Ramzee says:
You’ve met them at parties.
You work with them. That cousin you avoid at family gatherings or the
girlfriend/boyfriend of the person you have a crush on. THE DOUCHEBAG.
Urban Dictionary’s definition of “Douchebag” is as
follows:
Though the common
douchebag thinks he is accepted by the people around him, most of his peers
dislike him. He has an inflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a lack of
social grace and self-awareness. He behaves inappropriately in public, yet is
completely ignorant to how pathetic he appears to others.
He often talks about
how cool, successful, and popular he is, yet never catches on to the fact that
he comes across as a total loser. Nevertheless, he firmly believes that he is
the smartest, most desirable, and most charming person in the room.
To everyone else, he
is an annoying and arrogant phony who comes across as a wannabe
overcompensating for his insecurities. He tries to appear like the centre of
whatever group will tolerate him, but in reality, he is just a tag-along who
mooches drinks, women, contacts, social standing, and other benefits from the
group... while contributing nothing.
*Ramzee & The Jillybean Disclaimer – Women can be
douchebags too!
Now that we’ve come to an agreement on what a douchebag is,
we can all sit back and enjoy the douchebags that we love to hate. We love them because we get to laugh, guilt
free, at their misfortune. They are
memorable and you can just tell that the actors had fun playing them.
So, without further ado, my Top 5 Movie Douchebags:
5. Percy Wetmore –
The Green Mile
It needs to be noted that this role could not have been more
perfect in its douchebagerry (that’s a word, right?), had it not been for the
acting of Doug Hutchison. He is pathetic, whiney, bratty, entitled and sadistic
all in one facial expression.
Best Line:
*As an inmate is about to be executed, the inmate mumbles to
himself about the beautiful place his pet mouse is going to go to when he dies,
to which Percy replies -
“There's no such
place. It's just a fairytale these guys told you to keep you quiet. Just
thought you should know, faggot.”
4. Biff Tannen – Back
To The Future
Throughout the Back To The Future trilogy, Biff’s family
carries the douchebag gene. He is dumber
than you but it doesn’t matter because you’ll do his homework or he’ll kick
your ass. He’ll force his way on the girl you have a crush on and if you
intervene, he’ll kick your ass. Biff makes my list because I knew a guy like
him in high school and yes, that guy kicked my ass.
Best Line:
“Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break today. So,
why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?”
3. Mike Dexter – Can’t
Hardly Wait
Mike Dexter is the most hilarious teen douchebag I’ve
seen. He competes with Stiffler from
American Pie and Joey Donner from 10 Things I Hate About You, but beats them
all because you know immediately what a complete idiotic prick he is from the
very first moment he steps through the door.
He embraces the douchebag within and loves every moment of it, hanging
out with his douchebag posse. He breaks up with his beautiful girlfriend,
Amanda, on the last day of high school because he needs to free himself up for
the copious amounts of tail he’ll be getting at college. Best part of it is that he sincerely believes
that this is a legitimate reason for dumping Amanda. Later on in the movie, we
start to see his insecurities surface...mostly after a conversation he has with
the previous year’s senior douchebag, played to perfection by Jerry O’ Connell.
In the end, there’s a little part of you that thinks, “Aaw, Mike Dexter’s not
such a bad guy.”
Best Line:
“I'm a loser. I broke up with the hottest girl in school, my
friends all sold me out... and somebody in there just called me a fag!”
2. Cal Hockley – Titanic
No need to go into too much detail here. Everyone knows who
Cal Hockley is. You just wanted that ship to sink so you could watch him drown.
He doesn’t go down with the ship and he certainly doesn’t follow the ‘women and
children first’ rule when a ship is sinking.
Why should he? He’s Cal Hockley.
Like all vermin, Cal is a survivor and he doesn’t make any excuses for who he
is. He survives, he gets what he wants,
no matter the cost.
Best Line:
*The Titanic is sinking.
The men are trying to get the women and children in the life boats first
so that they can survive. We see a
father saying goodbye and telling his child that everything’s going to be ok
and that ‘this boat is for the mummies and children, there’ll be a boat for the
daddys later’. Cal rushes past everyone, picks up a random kid, forces his way
onto the life raft and says,
“Please! I have a child!”
1. Prince Humperdinck – The Princess Bride
This is Douchebag Royalty!
All ye, kneel before the undisputed Prince Of Douchebags!
If you are one of the unfortunate humans who have not seen
The Princess Bride, then stop whatever you are doing, download this film and watch
it right now! Don’t even finish reading this! Just watch it!
For those of you who are acquainted with Prince Humperdinck;
is there really anyone who embodies the word better? Douchebag.
The Jillybean says:
Not all douchebags are created equal, which is why my list
deals with 5 distinct types of douchebags – from the least dangerous to the
most despicable.
5. Joey Donner - 10
Things I Hate About You
The Narcissistic Douchebag is arguably the funniest type of
douchebag, for the simple reason that he is so easily made to look the fool.
His narcissism is his Achilles heel, and it makes him less dangerous than other
douchebags. Joey, Andrew Keegan’s character in 10 Things, is the quintessential Narcissistic Douchebag. His
elevated opinion of his own good looks is the driving force behind his
douchebaggery: it is why he pursues Bianca (Larisa Oleynik), the most popular
girl in school – she is just another accessory to his own beauty.
Early on in the movie we’re already given a hint that his
narcissism will be the key to his ultimate humiliation. Kat (Julia Stiles)
tells Bianca that years ago, when Joey broke up with her because she didn’t
want to have sex with him anymore, she kept him from exposing their
relationship by threatening to tell the cheerleading squad that he has a small
penis. This is the Narcissistic Douchebag’s worst nightmare – not even the
opportunity to humiliate the girl who rejected him could move him to risk this
type of situation. At the end of the movie, he is humiliated – not because a
girl (Bianca) renders him helpless with a knee to the groin and two punches to
the face, but because his only concern is the nose spray ad that he’s shooting
the next day. Yeah, he’s that guy.
4. Glen Guglia - The
Wedding Singer
The Narcissistic Douchebag might grow up to be this dude:
the Domesticated Douchebag. He’ll always be the same prick he was in high
school. He doesn’t really want to get married, but he’s too much of a coward to
be single – he needs the cover of domesticity so that he can hide his true
nature. He’s the one with the trophy wife and a harem of floozies on the side.
He is only concerned with his own comfort, and thinks that money can pretty
much buy him anything.
That’s Glen Guglia (Matthew Glave): a selfish bastard who takes
the window seat for himself and doesn’t care that his fiancé Julia (Drew
Barrymore) gets banged in the elbow every time the drinks cart comes past. Like
a typical douchebag, his propensity for bragging is his downfall in the end: if
he hadn’t told Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler) about all the action that he was
getting, his story might have had a different ending.
There’s not much else to say about this guy, except ladies,
beware. Nobody wants to be Mrs Julia Guglia.
3. Dean Sampson - She’s
All That
Ugh, the Lazy Douchebag. This douchebag is comparatively
harmless because, although he loves to see people squirm, he’s not invested
enough to do the heavy lifting himself. He’d much rather wait for an
opportunity to present itself and then pull a cheap, ill-considered stunt at
the expense of whoever is caught in the crossfire. This impulsivity does,
however, create the potential for massive destruction.
There are four things that make Paul Walker’s character in She’s All That a big stinky douchebag. Firstly,
he is a coward. When his best friend Zach (Freddy Prinze, Jnr) bets him that he
can turn any girl into the next prom queen, Dean Sampson takes a great deal of
pleasure in selecting a candidate who (to his mind, at least) doesn’t have a
shot in hell. He has no interest in a fair fight – he’d rather win by default. Secondly,
his unmistakeable glee at the prospect of his friend’s defeat and Laney Boggs’ (Rachael
Leigh Cook) impending humiliation makes him particularly despicable. Then, when
he sees that he is about to lose the bet he exposes Zach (there’s that
cowardice again) and swoops in to capitalize on Laney’s vulnerability. Lastly,
his tendency to count his chickens before they are hatched is what derails his
plan: too hungry for the admiration of lesser douchebags, he brags about his
plan to take Laney to bed and is inevitably exposed for the slimeball he is.
2. Philip Stuckey - Pretty
Woman
The Closet Douchebag is power-hungry but insecure. He wants
his piece of the pie, but is afraid of humiliation. His cowardice makes him a
dangerous predator because he only preys on the weak and the disenfranchised,
which makes it easier for him to commit his douchebaggery without detection.
Philip Stuckey (Jason Alexander) is this type of douchebag. His
job is already an indication of the kind of douchebag he is: he is Edward
Lewis’ (Richard Gere’s) lawyer and together the two of them make a profit by
dismantling companies that have fallen on hard times. He feels inferior to
Edward, because he isn’t handsome, charming or rich enough to get beautiful
women into bed like Edward does. This keeps him under the radar because he
knows he’ll just be shot down. But it also means that he has a lot of bottled
up anger, which turns him into a dangerous, entitled arsehole. When he learns
that Edward’s beautiful new companion, Vivian (Julia Roberts), is a prostitute
he immediately tries his luck with her… and is rejected, to his great anger. He
is made to feel even more impotent when Edward, under Vivian’s influence, robs
him of a big money-making opportunity and takes away what little power he does
have. He takes this anger out on Vivian and essentially tries to rape her.
Yeah. MAJOR douchebag.
1. Robbie Gould - Dirty
Dancing
The Educated Douchebag is the most dangerous, because he uses
his education to justify his selfish pursuit of pleasure, money and power. He
has convinced himself that he is superior to other people and therefore perfectly
justified in treating them like shit. A true coward, he never takes
responsibility for the repercussions of his actions. His philosophy is “every
man for himself”. Robbie Gould (Max Canter) is a particularly unsavoury
manifestation of this type of douchebag. When he gets poor penniless Penny (Cynthia
Rhodes) pregnant, he refuses even to pay for the abortion – and when Baby (Jennifer
Grey) confronts him about it, he tells her that “Some people count and some
don’t”. He then offers to let her borrow his copy of Ayn Rand’s 1943 novel The Fountainhead, which is controversial,
among other things, for its theme of social Darwinism and for seeming to imply
that women enjoy being raped. Sounds a little like the Douchebag’s Guide to
Good Living, doesn’t it?
The extent of Robbie’s delusion becomes apparent at the end
of the movie when he casually thanks Baby’s father for taking care “of the
Penny situation”. He’s actually bragging a little: he is proud of what has
happened, he feels like he’s been initiated into some kind of old boys’ club. That’s
what makes him a dangerous fool. He won’t grow out of his douchebaggery like
Joey or Dean might, it’s not the result of frustration as in Stuckey’s case,
and he’s not just a womanizing arsehole like Glen. He has fully internalised
the right to treat people like shit.
This guy might end up being an American president.
We couldn't find a short clip of Robbie in all his douchey glory, so check out the link below where you can watch the entire film free. Check out the 87th minute.
If any of you can find your favourite Robbie Gould douchebag clip, then give us the link in the comments below.
That is all.
*Guest Jillybean – Sandra Visser.
Follow Sandra on twitter
@sandygrammar
